What to Do When Someone Responds Badly to Your Feedback

To you, it was just a simple conversation about how to do things a little better. And yet somehow you’re now sitting in an office or on a Zoom call with a staff member who’s in the middle of a breakdown. They might be yelling, or crying, or telling you in great and emphatic detail why you’re wrong and exactly what you can do with your feedback. Either way, it’s not the situation you envisioned going into the meeting.

The only thing worse is when you give someone feedback and they sit there, smile and nod, and tell you they’ll be sure to keep it in mind ... only for you to find out weeks or months later they just ignored you and kept on doing things how they wanted to do them.

What’s happening with bad responses to feedback?

There are so many things that could be going on if somebody’s responding to feedback in a way you didn’t expect. People are still under higher stress levels in general, and many are adjusting to hybrid work environments that are layering even more complexity into their work. Most of the time, whatever their response is has very little to do with the content of the feedback, and much more to do with the other things going on in their life.

That’s why the first step is always to get curious.

When someone responds badly to feedback, ask them what’s going on. Be calm and non-judgmental, and genuinely curious. You might be surprised at what you hear! Even if they end up sharing information with you that has nothing to do with the feedback you’ve just given, that’s more information you can use in your management, so there’s really no way to lose here. And, best case scenario, they’ll be able to walk you through exactly what about your feedback was difficult for them, so you can fix it!

Consider what your relationship with that person is like.

Along those same lines, think about the kind of relationship you have with that person. You have to have a relationship with someone to successfully deliver feedback, otherwise it’s just information. If you find that people aren’t responding to your feedback (or are responding badly to it), it could be that you just don’t have that kind of relationship with them, and you need to work on growing a more positive and healthy relationship. 

Take a look at your feedback style.

We’re not often explicitly taught how to give feedback, but it’s such an important skill. If you’ve never considered your feedback style, or only gone with the kind of feedback style your managers used with you, take a moment to reflect and see if that’s really effective. If you’re not sure, or realizing you could use a brush-up on your feedback style, take a look at these best practices -- they’ll help you give the kind of feedback that people take on board and actually follow through on!

Three feedback best practices every manager should follow:

Best Practice 1: Paint what “done” looks like

In Dare to Leave, Brene Brown presents this concept of “painting done” –– in other words, creating a very clear, explicit picture of what a task looks like when completed, how it impacts other processes, how you expect it to be done, etc. It sounds so simple, but it can be really hard to do! While it’s obvious to you how something should be done, or what it’ll look like when the person you’re giving feedback to implements that feedback, chances are they’re not going to magically intuit what you’re thinking. Paint a super clear picture of what “done” looks like so you’ll both be on the same page, and they’ll have a clear goal to aim at.

Best Practice 2: Work alongside them

This can be one of the most powerful ways of getting feedback to stick, especially if you’ve given someone feedback a couple of times and they’re still not getting it. It could be that they just need you to sit down and do it with them a couple of times so they can work through it step by step with your guidance. By doing it with them side by side, you can model your expectations as well as the way the project needs to be done, so they know exactly what they should be doing. And, if the problem persists, you can then move it into a performance review knowing that you’ve worked with them and that there’s no reason they shouldn’t be able to do this process correctly.

Best Practice 3: Give feedback to everybody all the time, not just in response to problems ...

It’s easy to fall into the habit of only giving feedback when something goes wrong, but this is both demoralizing and ineffective. Give feedback to everyone on the team regularly, so it becomes a normal, no-stress part of your work life. That way people don’t feel like they’re being nagged, or singled out when they do something wrong, and you have a structure in place that holds space for negative feedback as it comes along.

... and this includes you.

Most managers focus on giving feedback, but it’s absolutely crucial that you regularly receive it, too –– and I’m not just talking about from your higher-ups! As you’re setting up your regular feedback practice, make sure that you include a way for your team to give you feedback too. Encourage them to be honest, and make it clear that they’re not going to face any repercussions for negative or constructive feedback. It can be hard on your ego if you’re not used to it, but it’s so useful, and it creates a much better relationship with your team.

Feedback is one of the hardest things to do well, so if you’re struggling, you’re not alone! I’m here to help with The Feedback Workshop (September 12th) and my highly sought-after Manager Training Series (begins October 10th). Find out more about how I can help you hone your skills as a manager right here.